I rise from the dead

Hello my non existent readers, I screamed helplessly into the awful, swirling void that called itself the Internet. I post this now at an hour I will likely regret. I am coming back! I intend to keep posting and keep going. I took a hiatus, but now it's summer and here I am. Regular posts will probably resume Sumday. Please come and COMMENT

In the world's most terrifying store

Hi, how’ve you been? Anything interesting happened in your life beyond the whole thing with the kool aid incident and the teddy bear rampage? No? What a pity. Anyways guys, COMMENT. I’m really too tired to try and put this nicely because I had a nasty, busy day today. COMMENT PLEASE. Commenting should (?) be working so just keep trying. You’ll get there. I forgot the link last time, but I have one today because this is a fairly obscure song.

Notes From my grandfather by Theodore Barden- Chapter four (excerpt)

Ah, the stories my grandfather used to tell. I’ve mentioned a few before in chapter 2 but I’ll go into more detail about them here. Some grandparents told stories about the past, things they had seen. Others read silly, happy stories about mud puddles large dogs and curious monkeys but not my grandfather. His favorite stories were about his horrifying time in a small town close to Lillooet (for those of you who don’t know, Lillooet is a small town in British Columbia which was hugely important during the gold rush but is now barely mentioned on maps. Towns like 70 or 100 mile house measure from Lillooet).

In this town (he never said the name) there was one store for basically everything, the Quartermaster’s Store. The store was only open for three days a week and every Tuesday he would go in to buy his weekly groceries. He absolutely loved to tell four years old me all about what he would see.

“Now Teddy,” He’d say, “C’mere. I’ve got a good’un for ya today.”

I’d sit down in front of the way I did every time he called me over to visit, juice box in one hand and oatmeal cookie in the other. As soon as I was seated, staring up in awe he would begin his fantastic tail.

“Now, when I used to go to the Quartermaster’s store I’d see the darndest things. Once, there were snakes.”

“Snakes?” I’d ask a little scared and he’d be quick to answer.

“Snakes! The size of garden rakes in the Quartermaster’s Store!”

He loved to tell me as well about beavers wielding meat cleavers, owls shredding paper towels and even apes eating all the grapes. I was terrified of course but I finally realized something very important at the mature age of twelve.

My grandfather was an old man even by today’s standards. At the time of publishing this book, he’s almost 98 years old and still kicking. He’s hunched over, walks with a cane and wears coke bottle glasses but he’s already planning his 100^th birthday party. Those very coke bottle glasses lead me to a very important realization. He’s always needed them but until he turned fifty he never wore them.

Links: 

In the quartermaster’s store

re: your bridge

Greetings strange people who have nothing better to than read blogs (are you procrastinating again? That’s okay, who isn’t procrastinating at least SOMETHING? I even procrastinated posting this for goodness sake). I am glad that you are back. If you are just finding this blog, hi. Please don’t run away screaming, I’m nice once you get to know me. Usually.  You are all wonderful people who may wish to go have another eye exam because you may have read this one wrong.

To: myfairlady@emailsite.uk

From: Acmebridgebuilders@anothersite.uk

                We at Acme bridge builders would like to thank you for your business. It means a lot that you chose us for such an important project. Unfortunately there has been a slight delay in you project. London Bridge is falling down and has been deemed unsafe by our union. We will resume work as soon as the dust settles and we have the materials to continue construction.

                We apologize for the delay and again, we will resume work as soon as we possibly can.

Acme Bridge Builders

                To: Acmebridgebuilders@anothersite.uk

                From: myfairlady@emailsite.uk

                What do you mean falling down?!?! I’ve paid you good money to build me a bridge and all I get is “deemed unsafe by our union” and “we need more materials”. Well boohoo for you. I want my bridge and I’m not paying another penny. You can use wood and clay for all I care, just get it done soon. I’ll be coming by soon and I want my bridge finished!

                To:myfairlady@emailsite.uk

                From: Acmebridgebuilder@anothersite.uk

                I’m really not sure you understand how this works. We are paid by the day and we work with materials that you pay for so if you want a bridge at all, I suggest you pay. Our union is reviewing the case as I type this email so unless you provide the materials and fulfil your side of the contract, we can no longer work for you.

Acme Bridge Builders

                To: Acmebridgebuilders@anothersite.uk

                From: myfairlady@emailsite.uk

                I’m very sorry for my inappropriate response to your previous email, although refusing work may be a tiny over reaction.  Now that that’s out of the way, I’ll be sure to send you iron bars right away. I read on Wikipedia that they’re very strong, so I’m sure that they’ll be exactly what you need. Glad we settled this, when can I expect to walk across my bridge for the first time?

                To: myfairlady@emailsite.uk

                From: solictorserious@legalsite.co.uk

                My client has called me in because you are refusing to fulfil your end of a legal contract in regards to bridge building. Unless you pay the agreed upon amount, my client will disengage himself from the enterprise in which he is currently involved, i.e. the current legal battle in regards to the afore mentioned bridge and contract.

                Thank you for your time

                To: solicitorserious@legalsite.co.uk 

From: myfairlady@emailsite.uk

                What?  I just want my bridge built, why are you bringing Star Trek into this? I’m not asking him to build me a bridge out of silver and gold, I just want my bridge built! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!!!!!

                To: myfairlady@emailsite.uk

                From: solicitorserious@lagalsite.co.uk

                My client replies that it is indeed too much to ask and thus must disengage himself from this affair. The remains of your bridge can be found under the Thames and you owe my client a fair amount of money as well. If you refuse to pay my exorbitant fees, my clients owed bill and the hefty pollution charge for all of that clay, wood and iron at the bottom of Thames, legal action will proceed against you. I certainly hope you have enough gold and  silver to cover it.

                Thank you for your time. Have a nice day.

Bessie and the ISS

It occurred to me that not everybody may understand what songs are behind these stories, especially some of my international readers. I’ve got a few sites I go to to find inspiration, so whenever I can find one there’ll be a link at the bottom of the page. In other news, I need more of you incredible people to acknowledge the existence and your enjoyment (?) of this blog. Whether this is commenting, sharing this blog, linking to this job or making cookies in my honor despite not knowing who I am (feel free to eat these while making exaggerated yum noises) I appreciate every little bit of it. Shout out to Natalie Carlile, who despite having no actual connection to my blog that I could find was somehow a major traffic source for three days. With no further ado (because really, who can stand ado?) what if the random marks on a page your brain somehow understood to be letters forming words that formed actual stories and songs were interpreted incorrectly?

 Fate of Farmer Macdonald’s cow remains “up in the air”

    The fate of a local farmer’s prized Jersey cow remains uncertain after her disappearance and later reappearance on the International Space Station just last Wednesday. It was a blow to the local community when, six days ago, a local man known as Old Macdonald reported that Bessie was missing. He remarked that she had always had a passion for the stars. Farmer Macdonald said “I always had that darndest time getting her in at night. All she ever wanted to do was stare at the stars.”        The cow escaped when the farmer’s sentient silverware opened the farm gate to let in the neighbor’s wedding china, which it had been forbidden from seeing due to neighbourhood dissent over who had the best stamp collection. The spoon later made a statement apologizing, stating that it did not know that Old Macdonald had left Bessie out in the field overnight so that she could see the full moon. Once Bessie was free, NASA recruiting agents say she attempted to join the latest moon landing. When she learned that there were none going and further that there were no cow shaped space suits she left the office mooing sadly. Russian cosmonauts were the first to discover her stowed away in their space shuttle when they docked on the ISS. Word from the space station is that Bessie is “A delight to be around and the extra milk is helping to improve our calcium intake as well, so bonus!” They do not appear to intend to return her anytime soon.
     Old Macdonald (distinct from Young Macdonald in that he does not run a fast food restaurant or have an unhealthy fondness for clowns and the colour yellow) has declined to comment. His dog however seems to find the entire situation hilarious and has yet to stop laughing.
Links:
Cow jumped over the moon
and
Old Macdonald

Eat no fat

Hello again my regular readers,as well as my irregular, downright bizarre and are you certain you'r fully human? readers. It's good to see you again after the new year. Who's already broken their resolutions? I'm trying this format again because I really enjoyed it last time and I guess you did too, although I don't know. YOU ALL NEED TO LEAVE COMMENTS!!! Wow, three exclamation marks? I must be really upset. Anyhow,, this is an old rhyme that difficult to read right due to it's shear weirdness. I am fairly certain you read this one wrong. Eat No Fat A one act play to be performed by a group of 5 people Characters: JOAN SPRAT: A young woman who is somewhat overweight. She is working to overcome it and is having a hard time dealing with all of the emotions that come when she doesn’t eat them away FACILITATOR: The person (can be male or female) must be supportive and understanding. Almost overly cheerful (s)he is very upbeat and firmly believes in mind over matter. FLORENCE: A lovely woman, she’s Joan’s mentor and sits beside her. She’s a shoulder to cry on and does things like patting Joan’s hand and reassuring her. BILL: Member of the support group. He’s not there by choice he really could not care less about all of this at first. Later, he reveals himself as a little more sensitive than he lets on JACK SPRAT: JOAN’S husband, Jack is a world class jerk. He tries to control JOAN through her weight and keep her dependent on him. He’s patronizing as well, and just all around not a nice guy. Setting: A meeting of Overeaters Anonymous, with circle of chairs, where FACILITATOR, FLORENCE, JOAN and BILL are sitting FACILITATOR: Hello everyone. Welcome to Overeaters Anonymous, a twelve step program where we learn to overcome our dependency. Is there any one here who’d like to begin? (Silence. Finally, JOAN stands up. FLORENCE pats her hand reassuringly) JOAN: Hi, my name is Joan and I’m an overeater. BILL, FACILITATOR and FLORENCE: Hi, Joan JOAN: I’ve been coming to these meetings a while and I like to think I’ve made some progress. I understand now that I am powerless over food. I accept that something greater than I can and will restore me to being who I need to be. I’ve turned my life over to God even but without support this isn’t going to work. My family isn’t supporting me. FACILITATOR: How aren’t they supporting you Joan? JOAN: It’s my husband. He offers me whatever food he doesn’t finish, which is more than half of his plate sometimes. He’s vegetarian, but he always cooks enough steak for three people and I always eat it all. I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this! FLORENCE: (Stands up beside her and takes her hand) Hi, my name is Florence, and I’m a recovered Overeater. BILL AND FACILITATOR: Hi, Florence FLORENCE: I just wanted to say that we’re all here for you, sweetheart. If he tries to offer you food again, call me. I’m your mentor after all and I’m here to support you as you change. JOAN: Thanks so much, it means a lot. (Both sit down) FACILITATOR: Thank you, Joan. Is there anyone else who wants to share before we go? (Looks pointedly at BILL) (No response) FACILITATOR: Remember, next week we’re meeting in the church basement at 7:00. Don’t be late! Now, let’s recite the serenity prayer before we leave. (All stand) ALL: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference. FACILITATOR and FLORENCE leave (JOAN sits back down. BILL joins her) JOAN: Bill? You’re still here? BILL: What about it? My ride ain’t here yet and this is as good a place as any. JOAN: Thanks for waiting with me. (Pauses) Bill, can I ask you a question? BILL: Nothing stopping you. JOAN: Why do you come to these meetings? BILL: Whoa, getting personal there girlie JOAN: Sorry. You don’t have to tell me. BLL: No, It ain’t your fault. What happened was that- (JACK SPRAT enters) JACK: Come on honey bear, it’s time to go. JOAN: No. JACK: What was that Sweetie? I thought you said no, and that really isn’t something you want to say to me. BILL: She said no, she meant no. Buzz off bozo. JACK: I hope that you aren’t talking to me like that. She’s my wife and I’ll speak to her how I want too. BILL: You little piece of- JOAN: Bill! Thank you, but that’s enough. JACK: That’s right sugar pie. Let’s go home, away from his sort. I’ve made a delicious dinner for you, with plenty of rice and potatoes. (JACK and JOAN walk away, with JACK’s arm around Joan’s shoulders. JOAN looks over her shoulder as she leaves and sees BILL watching them go. She stops and pulls JACK’s arm off of her) JOAN: No, Jack. Not again. I won’t go home and eat until I feel sick like I do every night because I hate it. I hate the way you use me, controlling me with food. Unless you’re willing to support me,, we’re done. (JACK opens his mouth as if to reply but shuts it when JOAN glares at him. He storms off) JOAN: Oh gosh, what have I done? I have no place to go without him. BILL: You don’t need to worry about that, I’ll give you a lift. I’ve got a spare bed at my place. It isn’t the greatest, but it’s clean. Anything’s better than that jerk. JOAN: Will your ride mind? I don’t want to be a burden. BILL: I’m not waiting for my ride. JOAN: Then why are you- BILL: I wanted to spend time with you. Your EX-hubby is a jerk and you’re a really sweet lady. I didn’t want you to get hurt. JOAN: Oh Bill, that’s so sweet. Shall we go get coffee? JOAN and BILL exit Lights go down End scene

Day 12: The last day

Dec. 26 I’m so sorry for writing so late. I spent Christmas Eve with Miles and I didn’t want to randomly interrupt the evening to break open my diary. I’ve sent presents back home to all my relatives in Barry (it’s in Ontario, remember?) but I still had a huge pile of wrapping today. On Christmas Eve though, all we did was spend some time together. We talked together and he made his mom’s eggnog cocoa to go with my grandmother’s shortbread. It was magical and I’m not doing it justice at all by describing it here but I don’t care. We wound up together on the couch watching an old Muppet Christmas special at almost ten. Petty came and sat on Miles right at the best part, but he was okay with it. I think he’s finally warming up to her. Now the biggest news so far: THEY CAUGHT THE STALKER!! He was trying to slip a set of tickets for a traditional Scottish Christmas concert under the door. It was on Christmas Eve, during the day when I was out visiting my grandmother. I don’t know how he knew so much about my schedule or about I but you know what? I don’t care. This Hell is over. I’ve gained some feathered friends, a beautiful tree and a new boyfriend out of the deal. I’m almost out of space in my diary now, but I’m sure I’ll buy another one someday. Who knows what other crazy stuff might happen? Hang on, Miles wants to fill in the last line. “There is no real ending. It’s just the place you stop the story.” -Frank Herbert

Day 11

You won't believe this. I say it a lot but this time I mean it. There's a manhunt on right now for the man who's been stalking me and a few other girls during the Christmas season. He's been systematically seeking out girls who live alone without their support network nearby and giving them strange gifts. One girl got nothing but greeting cards and figgy pudding every day. I was apparently the worst hit though but I wouldn't give back some of my gifts for the world. I'm so happy to not be alone anymore, not with Patty and my doves. I'm not supposed to write about who he is or what he looks for confidentiality reasons but he is an ex con so what somebody with his mental health issues wanted with these girls... I shudder. Ooh, doorbell! I think it's Miles and he and I are due for a long talk. He brought the doves over yesterday but he couldn't stay long so today I'm going to try and figure out what's going on between us. I like him and he likes me. What does that mean for us? With all this drama my life is just crazy and I'm not sure I can put him through something like this. Is there any way to avoid it though or is the damage already done? He's been by my side for so long and-hang on I'm sorry. There's this weird drumming noise...